It can be perplexing when you encounter someone in an organisation who seems to take great joy in causing you discomfort or embarrassment. There are, of course, meetings in any organisation that can be challenging because you are accountable for a project or business stream (for example), but these are usually conducted professionally and respectfully rather than with a primary objective to enjoy personal discomfort and embarrassment. It’s inevitable, however, that you will sometimes encounter an individual who enjoys creating discomfort and embarrassment as part of exerting their dominance. It’s an unpleasant dynamic to experience, especially in front of others, but it’s a dynamic that can reveal lots about the perpetrator.
Why do some individuals clearly enjoy making others uncomfortable and embarrassed? Well, they often have an underlying insecurity and use the creation of discomfort and embarrassment to exert their dominance, control, and superiority. Sometimes they use it as a pre-emptive defence against being embarrassed themselves. Sometimes, of course, they just lack emotional intelligence and are completely oblivious to the impact of their behaviour! As the popularity of reality TV shows illustrate, enjoying the discomfort of others is not unusual because drama draws attention.
How do you handle someone who enjoys making you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed? Firstly, draw on any assertiveness training you’ve had. It can be very helpful. Secondly, trust yourself. Take a deep breath or two, don’t get flustered, speak calmly and thoughtfully, and don’t be defensive. This helps preserve your dignity and shift the power dynamic. Thirdly, assert your boundaries. Signal that you will not tolerate interactions that you feel are malicious, unnecessarily personal, or bullying. Don’t be frightened of getting up and leaving the interaction if necessary.
The Badger was recently approached through a mutual acquaintance to meet two directors of a small company who were seeking advice about addressing problem IT projects. One, the CEO, was a gruff, volatile, egotistic character who belittled the Badger’s experience and ridiculed every answer he gave to questions. The Badger became uncomfortable, embarrassed, and – yes – quietly angry. The CEO tabled the monthly financial status numbers for a project and asked for a comment. The Badger glanced at it and said the project was failing! ‘Rubbish’ riposted the CEO. The Badger calmly rose from his seat, uttered ‘victima non sum, victor sum’, and ended the meeting.
The other director left the room too, apologized for the CEO’s behaviour, and asked how the Badger knew the project was failing. The Badger explained. It transpired that everyone knew it was failing, apart from the project sponsor, the CEO, who was in denial! The Badger declined the director’s plea to become their advisor. Just remember, when someone enjoys making you uncomfortable or embarrassed, keep calm, trust yourself, and keep ‘victima non sum, victor sum’ – I am not the victim, I am the victor – in mind…
